2/26/2024 - ermm

Went and bought "looking for job" shirts today after realizing my entire wardrobe is dumb graffic tees and gym shorts. They have buttons on them and everything. Real fancy. The green/purple ralph lauren is dank as fuck. Makes me wanna drive an old mercedes.

Yesterday I realized I can just go to a store and buy pot cuz of the farm bill. It isn't cbd sprayed with delta 8 or any of that gross shit. it's just real weed harvested a bit early because of loopholes or whatever. Being able to buy a drug that turns me into an unmotivated sack of shit for reasonable prices in an air-conditioned building is a bit dangerous. I'm used to going to a smelly apartment and listening to a guy yell at his dog, and his girlfriend yell at him. That awkward barrier of entry was the only thing keeping me sober. I should prolly throw the 8th out. But god it's been so long. Maybe just another nug...

2/24/2024 - uhhhh

I got drunk in the woods last night and listened to old sadboys songs. The cashier gave me a look, with my 2 tallboys of cheap swill, but the second I was on my bike I felt good again. I opened my arms wide and pedalled through the breeze. Ate a ton and drank a lot of water so I'm chillin' today. No hangover.

I wanted to go to the library but ended up helping my dad replace the sink instead. I'll go monday. I messaged sarah (see entry one for context) and we're gonna call tonight. In like 2 hours actually. I'm nervous, despite having known this person my entire adult life. Guess it's cuz I don't really have anything to say. The tension isn't cut with intention. It just lingers there, thick and smelly in the fog of a pointless conversation. I still don't have a job, which is one of the reasons we split (a very reasonable reason). So it's not gonna be a dumb movie scene where she sees how great I'm doing and feels regretful. Not that I want that, anyways. I'm not 14. I'm doing exactly the same, just without a confidant now. Silver lining: having nobody to talk is the reason I made this website. In fact, loneliness is the catalyst for 90% of personal websites. Don't fact check me.

I need to learn to write here and not expect feedback. Just write to write. Not saying that in a complainy way. Just that a change in mindset would help me enjoy the shit more. I wouldn't hover at my laptop's power button, paralyzed by some invisible pressure to be succinct and entertaining and to present myself in an okay light. Fuck all that. Flawed characters are more compelling anyway.

I'm pissed that I didnt back up a few decent spachey entries before zapping my account. That, and a college paper about surge and smash bros and growing up. Lost to the sands of turnitin. Oh well. No school paper I was super proud of at the time is ever good when I stumble on it in google docs years later. Crayon drawings from second grade on the other hand, rock my cock.

2/23/2024 - no title

I just tinkled and came back to see my laptop screen on. Now I'm worried my sister saw my text-editor open to this page. Prolly my cat just bumped the mouse tho. Silly cat. It was really warm for february today, and it smelled good out. That pre-rain smell. Spring is so hopeful. Winter is for fat nerds tbh. Fuck winter. As you can tell, I really got nothin' to say today. Had quality time with my nephews though. I was really impatient yesterday. Felt guilty. Today I was cool. Helped them organize their room, and we read a few chapters of Roald Dahl. Uhhh.

Read through girlfreak's blog last night and liked her humor. She's 17, but I really relate to a lot of what she said. Not sure if that makes me emotionally stunted. Whatever, I think I'm normal - I just don't have anyone my age to do fun/stupid shit with. That happens a lot on Neocities. I find a blog I like, then read some detail about skipping gym class, and I'm like "oh." 17-18 was terrible for me. I skipped school so much and failed so many classes. My mom suspected pot-headery but no, I was hiding in my attic until the bus left and sleeping 15 hours a day. I'm not some casual who needs substances to be a complete fuckup. One time I just biked past the school and then just kept going until I was at a lake. Sat there for a few hours, ate a honey bun, Then biked home.

Anyways, girlfreak: She does three pieces of gratitude at the end of each entry. Or maybe just some of them. I can't remember. I thought it was a good idea. I don't have enough love in my heart to do every entry but maybe at the end of particularly whiny ones I'll do it.

Still needa get a job and make my life happen again. Being at home in a suburb where the average resident is 55 is very fucking dry, material wise. I'm a neurotic red koopa pacing the same platform forever, jealous of those greens that can bravely walk off cliffs. I can't wait to have a life so I can neglect this blog for months at a time then come back with a banger of an update. I need to move downtown and really force myself to meet people I can relate to. I say the same thing here every time because every day's the same. I prattle on and on. It's something to do. And I shouldn't worry about potential readers being turned off of future entries byt hese text-walls. Because if in a year from now if I have irl people to confide in, and start to use this just for fat-free, entertaining writing, that's fine. The new stuff is always at the top. Only the superfans (yeah right) will scroll back into the catacombs and read early these early words.

2/21/2024 - fear, uncertainty, and doubt

One of those tacky "live laugh love" posters but it says It's him & I, aquemini. No? Okay. Anyways, I'm feeling wistful right now. I stumbled on this video through the comment section of a young lean instrumental. Shit made me feel.. something. I've been up for like 20 hours and I'm highly caffeinated so I'm gonna write a lot but say nothing. It's my diary bitch. I am happy to announce I have a follower. They post sweet pictures of fountains and seem cool.

All I do right now is watch x-files and play pokemon showdown. I don't even like showdown that much, It's just a thing to pass the time with. I'm rotting-ly bored. Hopefully I use my kindle when it gets here. Maybe I should just load it with books and turn my phone off for a week - get in the habit of reading by having no other option. Because if given the choice, I'll torture myself with the demoralizing and terrible youtube feed. Feed. I'm at a trough lmao. Trite observation, yes, but not untrue. I searched a comedian I like today and one of the results was a related (read:unrelated) video called something like "height blackpill." Jesus, google is staffed by actual hell imps. 2005 MTV wasn't even this trashy. Not to mention all the thumbnails that use FUD(fear, uncertainty, and doubt) to drive clicks. Ironically it's always the productive/educational topics.

I've been way too in my head about exercise lately for more reasons than unscrupulous marketing. Context: I hurt my back a couple years ago, and now squats and any bent over movement hurts a lot. Even just doing bentover reverse flyes with 10lb dumbbells once threw my back out and made it so i could barely walk for a week. My lumbar is extremely unstable. For about a year I still managed to train 3x a week despite this. I did substitutions and made a lot of progress. It got to the point where I was ready to switch to a 4 or 5 day routine so I could hit each muscle with more frequency. But I can't just follow a premade program verbatim.

And by the way don't come at me with some shit about how I need to squat and deadlift. I wish I could you stupid piece of shit. I used to love those movements, they just don't love me. I'm pissed to be barred from such effecient drivers of growth. Ehem..Pre-emptive strike against made-up adversary over. Anyways, Idk what to do. I just feel so discouraged by the idea that if I start training again, I'll hit this same roadblock in 8 months time and not know what to do. This thought being in the back of my hed whenever I train makes it so much harder to maintain hope and positivity. I hate uncertainty. The feeling of efforts being in vain is so utterly disheartening. I need some way to black-box it. To put my mind at ease. Anxiety rules my life.

2/18/2024 - e-readers and sexual harrasment

Gonna sell my ps4 today if the buyer doesn't flake. I have it listed at $100. I hope he's down to pay full price cuz that's exactly how much a new kindle paperwhite costs. If I get less, I'll just buy used. I hate buying used when it's something I don't know about. Computer parts? Sure, used all day. Kindle? I don't fuckin' know. Maybe I get it and the battery health is at 45%. Plus some grublord's been handling it for years. Whatever. I won't give a shit once I'm actually reading a book. I got the urge to buy a kindle yesterday when I tried reading a book on my phone and immediately developed eyeball cancer. Plus, if I'm gonna be all healthy and go to bed on time, having a device that lets me read infinite books for free will be nice. Shouts out z-lib. I have no money for books, and my local library is pretty small.

This wouldn't be a problem if I just had a fucking job. I'd list it at $75 and have people knocking down my door to buy it day one. My job history is worse than yours. I've had maybe 15 jobs, and left most within 5 months. I've had three that lasted less than a week. Shit gives me anxiety when it comes to job-hunting. I just have massive gaps where I didn't work or pretend I didn't work because it's better than the alternative "oh yeah I hated my co-workers there and quit that place immediately." Fuuuuuck. I need to find a job I like and stick to it. The book I tried reading on my phone, that made me decide to buy a kindle is actually about workplace bullying. I need to arm myself with knowledge. The book is by Gary and Ruth Namie. I found out about it cuz I youtubed "workplace bullying" and found Gary's video to be the best. I've always been a target for bullying cuz I don't know what to do with my face and am not super confrontational. I didn't think it would endure into adulthood. Grown men and women who pick on their coworkers and make it suck to just feed yourself and pay bills should honestly kick the fuckin' ladder out. The sexual harrassers are even worse. When I was in highschool I worked at subway. The manager invites his friend from out of town to hang out until he gets off work. Dude's like 25. Real big. He would physically corner me. Not right in my face, but looming like 4 feet away so I felt threatened trying to get around him. He'd be like "I'd fuck you." and "How much money do you want for me to suck your dick." Constantly, the whole shift. I never felt safe when he was there. I'm 17 years old, making 7 bucks an hour. Why must saving up for an old honda involve the threat of sexual violence? And when you're that age, you don't know what to do. I didn't tell anyone for years. The shop owner certainly didn't give a shit, and the neither did the manager. Anyways, who the fuck comes from out of town to see their friend, then hangs out in subway all day for a week? I wanna beat that guy with a lead pipe. I'm sure he's still fucking with anyone vulnerable. I just hope his next target fires back.

I have more shitty stories to get off my chest, but I'll try to space out the negativity. It'll hit me when I'm walking and I'll have to write about it. You know how people say going for walks boosts your mood? Yeah that's usually true. But you ever go on a walk and out of nowhere your brain just conjures some terrible memory, and it starts to piss you off and take ahold of that nice comfy space typically reserved for the familiar hum of low-level anxity? You end up stomping home. That's like 1 in 4 walks for me. So yeah, 3 in 4 walks are pretty chill. Guess I'll go on one.

update: Right after posting this, someone messaged me about the ps4 and I ended up getting asking price for it. Lessgooo. He paid the last 3 dollars in quarters, but it's cool - I like quarters.

2/14/2024 - da first entry ever

Disclaimer: This is a real-ass diary. I'm gonna be mean and misspell shit and contradict myself and not do any editing.

I'm lonely. I genuinely have nobody to share things with. From 14 to 23ish I always had people I could call on to talk to. I didn't know how lucky I was. These days I have exactly one friend who still lives in the same state as me, and he's kinda annoying. Really cool sometimes but also does the whole little-dicked one-upmanship thing that's super transparently a maladaption of low self-esteem. I have low self-esteem too but I'm classy; I direct all the flagellation inward (except for in my diary eheheh)... I need to get a job so I can get a gym membership and buy burritos and shoot pool. That'll at least help me pass the time. But having a job and nothing socially meaningful to look forward feels so "(that guy who pushed the rock up the hill forever)-ian". I need some sort of group therapy. Idk. I just needa be around other people. Sarah broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were together for 5 years. It wasn't gonna work, and I'm glad she had the guts to do it but holy shit I wish I could call her. I get the impulse to every single day. It's a reocurring painful reminder. I deleted her number cuz I didn't want to the ability to bother her. She hasn't called me. She does have a strong support network. Good for her. I hope she finds happiness. I hope I find 6 bucks in a jacket pocket so I can get malt liquor drunk in the woods. I also hope her next boyfriend is ugly and bad at sex.