3/16/2024 - bord

First few days at new job. People seem nice enough. Idk I'm so fuckin bored. I played soccer with my nephew, then stared at the rectangle for like 4 hours. Now I'm that many hours closer to my next shift. My life is dull. The good news is, having to wake up early for work makes watching tv late at night way more fun. I need something to look forward to besides Scully and Mulder's next adventure though.

3/13/2024 - aguas de marco

The waters of march are coming. I start my new job on Friday. Nervous, but excited to have money again. It's part time so it won't be much, but getting out of the house at all is better than nothing. I went rock climbing and holy shit was that emasculating. I was genuinely the most out of shape person in a room of like 40 people. It's a bunch of white folks. Same crowd as a pickleball court, so while I felt the fattest I also probably undeservedly felt the coolest. Smugness shields my ego. Don't take that away from me. It really is where people who don't do labour go to get callouses though. I saw an "invictus" tattoo, which is supposed to be about stoicism in the face of adversity or something. Climbing fake rocks in an $80/month gym isn't adversity you retard. How come I never see immigrants with 3 jobs rocking "invictus" tattoos? Whatever. I had fun. Cut my hands up pretty good. So so sore. It's really hard. It's like doing pullups but the pullup bar is really inconveniently shaped.

I think a regular gym is more my speed. The teenagers wrstling in the squat rack, the tomato-faced 50 year old juiceheads, the women that are so hot they make me want to kill myself. I dunno, I just like it. I kinda want to sell this computer so I can get a membership already. I'm pretty sure I'll have to wait until my second paycheck to afford it otherwise, cuz I owe a couple hundo to the bank. My pink '09 sony vaio should be able to cut it for html files and downloading e-books, right? I installed a fresh copy of windows 7 on it, and I gotta say it isn't just nostalgia clogging our conscious. Windows 7 is really good. So clean and fast. I'd be using it right now if modern computers supported it. Uhhhhhhh. What else. I dunno. My brother came over today. When I told him I was gonna get swole he looked at me incredulously. I'm not gonna get huge, but I am gonna get semi-fuckable - hot enough that women think I touch grass. (Heh. Little will they know I'm just some asshole with a blog who goes to an air-conditioned, katy perry-playing building and picks up neatly labelled weights 3 times a week.) What do I do in a year when I start to plateau at the gym though? Without a goal, I'm lost. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

My mom complained to me about having the fan running 24/7. I need the white noise though. I can't hear my smelly family talking and fighting when I'm trying to write or fall asleep. I get sucked into people's words without wanting to. Same reason I don't like music while working out. I start thinking about the lyrics. Even if it's some dumb pop song, I just can't help it.

I wanna post a picture of my monitor wich is propped up by an NES and ironically a book about interior design, but I have an iphone and I'm pretty sure you have to blow Tim Cook to get files from an iphone onto a computer. My next phone will not be smart, mark my words. I think getting a dumb phone and cutting back on internet usage is the sane and healthy thing to do, but people who talk about it never tell you how to fill the 6 hours a day that not watching youtube will give you. Without something to fill that time you'll go right back to old habits. The only reason public-facing "digital minimalists" don't have that problem is because they spend 6 hours a day grifting. For some reason I think of hiking as the de-facto thing to do for netizen expatriots, but you can't hike every day unless you live in the woods. Plus it's boring by yourself. I miss my friend Jackson. He was the best hiking partner. He was like 10% faster than me which is the perfect pace for pushing yourself but not getting completely dusted.

I can't read anything without comparing myself to people and feeling like a loser. I'm reading David Sedaris's diary compilation from when he was young called "Theft By Finiding" (Highly reccomend btw) and he talks about hitchhiking all over the country at like 19, going back home to Raleigh, finding an apartment, getting off meth, then going to college in chicago - all in the span of like 4 years. Meanwhile I'm not going to remember the last 6 years of my life because nothing happened. It's okay. The waters of march are coming.

3/8/2024 - I miss my friend jackson. How come he had to go get an abusive bf and stop talking to everyone?

As promised I went back to the job places yesterday. I have 2 interviews coming up. Guess i just take the job that pays more assuming I get both. One is a restaurant. The other is some sort of boutique for “live laugh love” ladies. Hand-stitched purses that look like they aren’t made with slave labor but still are, and overwhelmingly sweet vanilla candles. So nervous. Shouldn’t’ve had coffee.

New boxing gym opened near me. Maybe i should sign up. Get punched in the head 3x a week and the other 4 days feel pretty easy. At least that’s how I felt doing muay thai in 7th grade. I wish I stuck with it. Ironically lacked the disclipline required to go to the place where you build discipline. This coffee is hittin’ though. I think I’ll do a lil home workout to hopefully calm my nerves for the talking and smile-wearing and pretending to be cool with $12 an hour I’ll have to do later.

jk i can't be assed to do a home workout. Something about being within 100 feet of a bed makes exercise impossible. It's a beautiful day. I called sarah. She didn't pick up. Someone needs to make a shock collar that syncs to your iphone. I'd wear 2 of them.

3/7/2024 - Plastic

I applied for 2 jobs yesterday. God I was nervous. Went there in person and everything. If they don't call back I'll show up and bother people until someone employs me or preferably just pays me to go away. How come you never have to swallow a throat-lump just once? Whatever. I hope it works out.

Complete lack of desire/creativity/anything today (and the last ~600 days). I want to want things so bad - to get excited about photography and hiking trips and the simple fact that cities are real and airfare is subsidized. The distinction between wanting to want things and just wanting things cannot be understated btw. Those brief bouts of non-suicidality back when I was unmedicated were so great. I felt that way consistently in the 2nd through 6thish month of taking lexapro. The seretonin had kicked in, but my dopamine was still there and it was amazing. I started exercising regularly, making little films, somehow found a decent paying job. I mean shit, I even went back to school - all in that tiny fucking timespan. It was like limitless but somewhat less masturbatory. Now I'm forcing myself to write (and I don't think I could if the topic wasn't me me me *baby noises*.)

I went down a reddit "biohacking" rabbithole today, trynna see if there's any supplement I could take to offset this anhedonia. Don't do that folks. Reddit peaked in 2011 with it's only-mildly-funny, but very charming and human rage comics. Now it'll just make you mad. It's an anger and fear distribution platform. The conclusion I came to, though, is that I should definitely take vitamin d for overall mood, and apparently zinc if I want juicy cumshots. No seriously. There's a bunch of guys that take zinc for that reason. Why though? How amazing is your sex life that you wish you were more horny? I wish I was never horny. Horny is the worst 9 times out of 10. I imagine one of these nootropics bros in the bathroom before sex, all giddy; he takes his alpha internet pills, shaves his chest for some reason, then steps out to peel off his me-undies before red-facedly plapping into his equally terrible girlfriend for a not-even-fun-anymore length of time. "It helps me fuck bad for longer." These dudes optimize their brains so they can be more productive at their corporate work from home jobs. Speaking of which, why is everything labelled nsfw (not safe for work)? Besides my general disdain for acronyms, you assholes don't even go to a real workplace. If you did, you'd know that people sexually harass and bully you the whole time. The back of a resturant is sooo nsfw man. Reddit is so concentratedly uncool, I feel like I need to graffiti something and join a crust punk band just to replace the stench it left on me.

I wanna gut all my css and start fresh but that feels herculean rn. Maybe in a month. Nobody's gonna see it anyway cuz I'm not an insanely talented 17 year old trans artist/programmer/fiction writer extraordinaire. Seriosuly. Read the "about me" page of any really well-made neo site. (And make sure to sign the guestbook if you think I'm a bigot.) Also if you're reading this minimos sorry I havent added ur webring I will I promise I promisessssse. I've been really busy doing nothing and subsequently stressing about how I'm doing nothing.

UGHHHHH I have a story from the other night I really wanna tell but am paranoid about the long dick of the law. It really wasn't that wild and I feel like I was completely in the right so I don't know why I'm hyping it like this. Listen cops, if you want more info just pose as a cute lady and pm me. It'll probably work. Fuck it. Who am I kidding? A really flattering gay guy would work too. I love attention.

3/4/2024 - moaning

I have this retarded meta anxiety about the gym. Let me try to be clear. I am anxious that I will lose motivation and not stick to it. Before I’ve even started. How dumb is that? I was on celexa lexapro last time I trained regularly. Now im on prozac and feel that it's suppression of dopamine is greater than that of celexa lexapro, just going off the way I feel day to day. But that might just be cuz I’ve been on ssris for 3 years. I dont know. Point is, I’m not in the gym yet. So why the fuck should I worry? Agghhhh. I just feel like absolute shit. I need to get a job. I'm 13 again, feeling lame cuz I don't do any extracurriculars. This is rote by now but it’s my party and I can cry if I want to biiiiiitch. Without income I have no way of meeting people, but where would I go if I did have money? I dread the existential work/home/work/home, no-meaningful-outlet loop. I get why people drink and gamble and build $2000 gaming pcs. Volunteer work seems like the best option cuz I assume it’s all generous retirees and people on parole, and that’s a great mix.

Any opportunity has to be within spitting distance though. I live in the ‘burbs and get around via bike cuz i let my car insurance lapse and I can’t afford the $350 a month all these scumsucking piece of shit fuckwad vulture insurance companies want…*breathes*. Anyways. Yeah, where do you talk to ppl? No seriously. I asked you a question. Where was the last place you met someone? If you read this, you’re legally obliged to answer in the guestbook. Sometimes I go to the pool hall. That’s okay I guess. Pabst blue ribbon and the clacking of balls.

Theres a tabletop club nearby but I don’t really like that flavor of dork. Capes, wooden swords, the recitation of kingdom heart dialogue atop a rotting wood chip pile. One of us is filming with a camcorder for some reason - that rules. I’d kill for some pals to do that with. But fuck sitting around a fold-out table rolling dice. If I’m roleplaying I’m excited and if I’m excited I have to express myself through physicality. The chair and table(top) are stifling. “I’m kinda hungry, anyone wanna hit up zaxbys with me? Oh you’re doing delivery? And you’re gonna watch youtube while you wait? You know there’s a perfectly good pallet in the back parking lot we could go smash. No?” My body is a cabinet, collecting dust and holding fancy plates nobody’s allowed to use. The plates are getting heavy, the dust is starting to itch, and I shouldn't be parked in the corner.

I feel like I’m not really passionate enough to have artsy friends. In my mind art people all have their projects. They work on them in concurrence, then occasionally leave their studio to sip coffee and exchange notes. And if one of ‘em doesn’t have a current passion, then he’s irrelevant. I see myself as that one. The aimless guy who can’t hang.

disclaimer: if you're goin' "jeez, this guy’s self-piteous whining is really boring and lacking in perspective” then hey, we’re in agreement. Also, suck my dick. The idea is that I’ll be in a better place in 10 years and can have a nostalgic read-through of this. Preferably with my hot girlfriend/dragoness in bed next to me. Smiling and giggling with her elbow propped on a pillow.

update: I mixed up lexapro and celexa cuz they're all the same

3/3/2024 - mirrors

I just saw my reflection in a fitting room mirror and realized I have the posture of a guy who's good at linux. If you just thought "ehh you can't really be good at an operating system," then, hey, I'm sorry about your back brace. Self-hatred isn't a reliable source of motivation, and I just hit my dunking-on-nerds quota, so I'll redirect my angst at the real culprit, mirrors. Fuck mirrors. They're completely useless 99% of the time. The ideal mirror appears when I'm shaving and fucks off when I'm not. They're reality checks nobody asked for, looming all threatening and accurate in the periphery of every department store, and front and center in every bathroom. Maybe public restrooms are so gross because everyone's pissing with their eyes closed to avoid the mirror. Shine on, you innacurate cowboys. But please flush, dear god. Bar mirrors get a pass cuz they're dirty and have good (dim) lighting, plus they got epic sharpie drawings of cocks on them.

3/2/2024 - new monf

After 4 days in the sweet smoky clouds of avoidance I finally mustered the will to creep outside and dump my last nug out in the muddy yard. Now I take the week or so of anhedonia and inescapable discomfort and restlessness I've brought upon myself. Kindle came in the mail today and I barely care. Caffiene and fried chicken are my dopamanergic ice-packs right now. I had lots of ideas for the site while high, but lacked the brain power to execute them (except this gif I farted out.) Now that I'm sober I don't want to implemet them. Funny how it works like that every time. I'll try to read instead. Kill me

Gratitude: I was getting kinda hype at the prospect of buying a used dslr and taking pitchers again before I went and smoked my last flighty bit of dopamine away. That hype can and will come back. This is just a minor mental setback.

gonna go do dishes n listen to a podcast I've already listened to 900 times. Then take melatonin and hopefully sleep.